A few days ago I performed at My Favorite Breakup’s 3rd anniversary party (and first ever IRL event!). I read a story of mine that I’d submitted, and shared more about the story behind that ~100-word piece. I’m sharing what I had prepared here for the wider not-live audience.
Here’s the story from My Favorite Breakup. “Breakfast Tacos”
I was crying and broken and told you I needed to be able to have some space to myself. You said "no." You didn't know it then, but that was the moment I decided we were over. I took time to think about it. I couldn't talk to my friends about it because you were always around, and you had the passcode to my phone so I couldn't text. I told you we were done over breakfast tacos, possibly ruining breakfast tacos for you. I'm not sorry for that.
My, or formerly “our”, recipe for breakfast tacos is first you scramble some eggs that you've mixed in a little bit of water or milk to make them fluffier. And then that goes on to some tortillas that you've warmed over the flame of the gas stove. I don't know if that's safe, and I don't know if I want to know. Then you add some green onions, some cilantro, some pickled red onions and a crumble of feta and a splash of Valentina hot sauce.
Now, aside from the tacos, the background of the story of the breakup moment is that it was January and cold and it was during one of those winters when people were isolating because they were afraid of getting sick. Hmm.
My ex was in the house all the time. We’d moved in together about six months beforehand. They didn't have a standard day job but “had their own business.” My ex would sometimes leave the house for a random obligation, but never on a regular basis, or anything I could reliably count on.
I was feeling really dysregulated and what I really sincerely wanted, and what I brought up to my ex, was to have some time to myself. A few hours a week, perhaps. Maybe they could go visit a friend or something.
Now, this is a person who wouldn’t leave the house when I had therapy, but would “wear noise canceling headphones.” So in the conversation that the story’s about, I explained how I was feeling and what I needed [I had been reading a LOT of books about communication]. I was crying, and I asked, could you give me some time for myself. Could you allow me some time to myself? And I remember the response being fairly quick. “No”.
Now, in previous situations like this one, I might get angry, flustered, frustrated, maybe feel a bit of rage, and then somehow it resolves and I find myself apologizing for getting upset. This time, however, was different. This time I put a space between me and the rage to go ~ feel my feelings ~.
And when I burrowed into that space I found a very very deep place. A ✨well✨ of sadness, if you would. I was so sad and I knew I’d gotten myself into a situation. I wasn’t going to get what I needed. And came to the conclusion, with an assist from the therapist, that this was the end.
I broke up with them the day after Valentine's Day. It was also the day after their birthday. Because their birthday is Valentine's Day.
In my defense, I was looking down the barrel of a dating anniversary coming up a few days later, where I would also be visiting their family as well. So I chose to break up between the two landmines and have a weekend to myself while my ex traveled.
They told me later that they weren't sure I was serious about the break up but that they believed me when they got email notifications from Zillow of properties I was favoriting because I was re-using a list I’d used when we were moving in together.
The weekend I was by myself, I felt so much better and that continued to be true anytime I got a break from living together during the awful couple months living together while broken up. When I would stay at friends’ places while they were on vacation, for example.
I saw one friend incidentally between the moment I described and the breakup conversation. I asked if I should wait to break up or pull the trigger, I’m not in a situation where I can move right away. They said, it’s better to break up as soon as you know. It’s going to be hard living together, but you’ll be okay. That person is wrong, and it is a terrible idea.
This relationship is the first and only one where I deleted every photo of us together. On my phone, on my social media, in my Photos apps, anywhere. I don’t want to see a picture of me and this person ever again. I never identified with The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but I sure appreciate it differently now.
After I plated the tacos and set them on the table, I said “I need to talk to you. This is over for me. I don’t know what I’m going to do next but I know that I’m not going to stay in this relationship.” In my mind, making the tacos was a way of caring for this person while I delivered this information. They told me that I may have ruined breakfast tacos from them, which, breakfast tacos kind of rule so …
But. If you get nothing else out of this story, at least you have a good recipe for breakfast tacos. Thank you.
Sorry you had to go through this… A “no” regarding having some me time would be an automatic breakup for me as well. At least I’ll try to do this recipe soon!